So much for ‘blogging/journalling’ this year… life got in the way. But now that work has finished for the year, there’s not much left to do but ponder.
This time of the year is always the hardest for me. It’s all the social media posts of ‘happy families’ wishing their friends and families a happy Christmas, the photos of kids, mum and dad opening presents and seeing the excitement and joy on their faces… I dreamt of that life once upon a time. A life that consisted of owning a family home, with a loving, doting husband, gorgeous kids (I wanted 5!), maybe a pet or two, each having a car, successful careers…
Unfortunately and seemingly, that life wasn’t meant for me. Instead I had a run of failed relationships, one that eventuated into marriage and after 2 years of said marriage, was over. If I’m truly honest, the marriage was over before I even walked down the aisle.
I look at couples and I wonder, did they just settle with that person? Do they control them and are they ok with that? Does their spouse drink too much, make a fool of themselves and deny it the next day, and they’re ok with that? Do they get yelled at by their spouse, in front of shop staff or mechanics when they’re trying to make a decision, and they’re ok with that?
So many times, before we had our first child or got married, I attempted to walk out. And every time I was told “You will never find anyone else who can love you the way you are and give you what we have!” Or “Your family never come see you or contact you, so I doubt they’ll even care if you move back home again. So where else are you going to go?” And every time, I stupidly believed him. There are times when I still hear those words echo through my mind, and other times where I wished I’d just kept packing up and left.
Is it just me? Was I too weak to be the wife that accepts and loves her husband for wanting to be in control of everything, and have his cake and eat it, too? The husband that came home, walked past his wife and daughter to head straight out the back of the house to smoke, drink and play on his phone until dinner was ready? Was I supposed to be ok with working a full time job, on top of caring for our daughter through the night, morning, before and after work?
After 2 years of marriage, I was tired. Our daughter was 2 and I was expecting our second child, whilst still working full time and running the household. When I built up the courage to leave, the first thing my husband messaged me about was the fact I had taken the internet router with me. He was more concerned with not being able to watch Netflix, than how his daughter was.
Nearly 9 years later, and I am still raising our 2 daughters on my own, and I still feel trapped and controlled. Not just by the girls father, but by the cost of living – the price of rent (because I’m well and truly priced out of the home owner’s market), electricity, fuel, cars and car expenses, food, medical expenses and so on. Money limits how much I can do – holidays take a lot of forward planning and saving, electronic devices for school need to be rented or paid off over time.
I sit here, frustrated and sad that the life I had dreamt of didn’t transpire. Maybe all those happy family social media posts are just a mask for what’s really happening behind their closed doors. But it still hurts. It hurts because I wanted so much more for my life and my daughter’s lives. And I do what I can, when I can, but I still feel like it’s not enough. Like I’m not enough. Maybe no one can ever truly love me for how I am, but I know that no matter what, there was no love in my marriage. There was manipulation and control. And I never saw or recognised any of that until after I had left, and that is possibly the thing that scares me the most.
The fear of being taken advantage of again is what holds me back. I just pray that if I am meant to meet another man, that he loves me unconditionally, the way I am (which is far from perfect). Maybe my dream happens later in my life, and maybe this is all a lesson in patience. But I do hope and pray that I don’t have to wait too long…
20/20 Retrospect 