Journal 09.05.25

Journalling – something I would quietly chuckle about to myself when people would tell me it’s their ‘go to’ to debrief about their days.

I bought this notebook (physical notebook) months ago, when I felt inspired by one of my friends. And there it sat, on my bedside table gathering dust.

Tonight however, I just can’t sleep ( not unusual, but up to trying something new). So much happening in my head and on my heart, too. But where to begin??

It’s birthday month, and this year will be my last year in my thirties. It’s usually around my birthday that I begin to contemplate and wonder if I’ve actually done anything meaningful so far…

When I look back, I managed to survive 12 years of school, plus a few extra years of study to get my Cert III in Business Admin and Cert IV in Accounting & Bookkeeping. I became a mum. Got married. Got divorced. Bought a house at 19 years of age with my fiance at the time, and then broke up 6 months later. Various employers throughout my 20+ years working career. Several relationships with men, all not to last (it’s me, not them, truly!). I’m not sure it looks or feels like I’ve achieved much. Materially, I feel I have nothing to show. Emotionally, there has been some heavy baggage. I wonder how my girls measure it? Am I enough or have I done enough for them?

For most of my life, I’ve struggled and wrestled with the constant thought of what others think of me and how they see me. I envy those that are completely filled with confidence and don’t give a rats about what others think of them.

I’ve never been the best at articulating things, especially without any preparation. I rehearse conversations in my head each night when my head hits the pillow. These conversations may never even take place, mind you!

I also reflect on the conversations that took place during the day, and again that nagging feeling of “What must they have thought when I said such and such”…

I think over the last 39 years, or what parts I can remember, the hardest thing I find to deal with is when I feel deeply about a person, but the feeling isn’t mutual (the level, the commitment – they may feel or say they are in love, but they may not show it in a way I know they mean it).

Even if they say they love or are in love with me, it still somehow feels unbalanced at times. I don’t deal with rejection well (or at all, if I’m completely honest), no matter how big or small the rejection is. For some reason, the moment I detect an imbalance, is the moment my chest feels like it’s going to blast open when my heart explodes into a million pieces. Sometimes, it is only a perceived imbalance/rejection, but I find it just as hard to deal with. It’s something I’ve never been able to move past or understand until very recently.

I truly believe after my last 39 years of life, I’ll be on my own going forward. And, for once in my life, I think I’m ok with that!